Undercover
by Michi-chan2
Summary: More Cloud crossdressing fun!
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer:** I don't own these characters no matter how many times I put them on my christmas list.

**Authors** me and my friend Lou-Chan

**Rating** PG-13

**Pairing** Guess!

**Undercover**

**Scene one**

Late at night in Nibelheim, people are walking home from a hard days work when a loud commotion comes from the direction of the town's only inn.

"NO! I'M NOT DOING IT AND YOU CAN'T MAKE ME!"

The scene cuts to the hallway of the inn, talking and whining can be heard behind the far door.

"But I had the dress and perfume already, you'll look so sweet!"

Inside the room Cloud Strife can be seen cowering in the corner while the females move in for the kill.

"You can borrow my underwear", teased Tifa Lockheart (A/N: Titfa! mumbles about big titted cows).

An amused snort comes from the direction of the beds; they turn to see Barret Wallace cleaning his gun arm. "Can't, we haven't got any &$£ melons left", he says while trying to keep a straight face and not looking up at Tifa who's giving him a dirty look.

Cloud looks indignant and gets up from his cower against the wall, "I'm NOT wearing second hand women's underwear!"

"But you'll wear new $£&+# women's underwear?" Sniggers Barret from his side of the room. Titfa….I mean Tifa and Aeris Gainsborough (A/N: AKA Arse) turn back to Cloud with raised eyebrows; Cloud goes back to cowering in his corner.

"Not what I meant", he mumbles.

Aeris gets an evil glint in her eye and starts stalking towards Cloud, "Stop being a big baby", she coos.

Cloud cowers further back, staring at her like a baby gazelle looks at an oncoming lioness. "What you gonna do?"

Aeris' look gets eviler (if that's possible) before she brings out the secret weapon, "If you don't do this I'll tell a certain someone a certain something".

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"I can't believe you talked me into this," grumbles Cloud while sitting in a chair, with Aeris and Tifa cooing over his hair and tying brightly coloured bows in it.

Tifa stands back to admire their handy work.

"Perfect but there's something missing". They turn their backs on Cloud and huddle, Cloud, seeing his chance starts to reach up to pull the pink bows out of his hair; he's just about to touch the first when Tifa without turning round smacks his hand away. "Ow", he whined, cradling his hand against his chest, Barret sniggers in the background, they ignore him.

Tifa turns round in time to smack his hand down again, while exclaiming "Makeup, that's what we need! And will you stop that!" She said smacking him round the head.

Barret gets up from his spot on the bed "I've got more $£# important things to be doing than waiting around while you GIRLS get your faces made up", he storms out banging the door behind him, shouts and crashing can be heard as he makes his way to the front door of the inn.

Tifa watches him go before turning round with a lipstick and eyeliner ready in her hands, "Now let's get you ready for your prince charming". Aeris steps in front of her "But first", she says holding up a pair of eyebrow tweezers, "hold still and this won't hurt a bit".

"Remember pain is beauty", piped up Tifa from behind her.

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Meanwhile outside Barret is half a mile away from the inn when an ear piercing scream cuts the air. "What the &$3#!"

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Back at the inn, "Perfect", Tifa and Aeris step back to let Cloud look in the mirror. Cloud turns to the mirror……..

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Barret puts down his beer, "Again!...$&£"#!" (A/N: Just for luck).

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The next day Tifa and Aeris are trying to push a reluctant Cloud through the door of the local underwear shop. "Don't be such a baby!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO WHY ME!"

They finally manage to get him inside. Aeris lets out a girly squeal of delight and immediately heads for a pair of bunny knickers, "These will look sooo cute on you!" She gushed.

Cloud turns bright red and tries to hide behind a manikin. The girls continue to run around the shop and come back to Cloud's hiding place with a pile each, pushing them into his arms and pushing him into a changing room.

"Now you're not coming out until you've tried on all of those," Tifa commands over the groans of despair coming from the changing room. She turns round to find the shop assistant staring at them in horror. She giggled nervously, "Tomboy", she explained.

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3 hours later, their still standing there waiting for him to come out.

"What ARE you doing in there?" Complained Aeris.

A strangled noise comes from in the changing room, "I…I can't figure out how these work".

Aeris sighs in exasperation, "Men", she peers behind the curtain.

"AHHHHRRRGGGGG! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" Cloud shouts in horror. Aeris quickly draws the curtain again, blushing, "Oh my". Tifa can be heard sniggering behind her.

Later…MUCH later they come out with Cloud carrying a pile of shopping taller than his hair (A/N: And that's saying something) in his arms. He trips up on the step outside the shop and falls to the ground, landing with an "ompf" and the shopping goes flying in the air.

"Keep up Cloud", calls Tifa without looking back.

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Back at the inn Barret is pacing up and down outside the door of their rooms. He looks up when Tifa and Aeris come out the door beaming.

"Presenting the new and improved Miss Cloudette!" She exclaims and with a flourish opens the door. Cloud comes out in one of Aeris' old dresses, his hair done up in pink bows and decked up with makeup.

"Hang onto your husbands girls, here comes the new me!" He does a pose, there's a pinging noise and two large melons fall out of the bottom of his dress, banging onto the floor. He looks down in horror, "Ah crap", he sighs and stomps back into the room, followed by Tifa with some duct tape.

Aeris giggles and Barret is still staring at the place where the melons fell.

He pulls himself together enough to say, "Tell me I didn't just $£# see that".

End of scene one


	2. Chapter 2

**Undercover scene 2**

"Cloud stop squirming!" snapped Tifa after watching Cloud trying to readjust the dress he was wearing for the second time that morning.

"I can't help it, this dress is too loose around the hips and too tight around the chest I can't breath, who'd this belong too anyway, a transvestite!"

"Right! Lets get on shall we!" Interrupted Aeris, going red in the face.

Barrett ignores her and walks over to Cloud and casually sniffs him, "god it smells like a £$9& transvestite with no sense of smell, it stinks of cheap perfume like hookers weaumpf" Barrett gets cut off by a huge volume of "final fantasy creatures. An A-Z guide" hitting him in the back of the head.

"Well moving on," huffs Aeris while picking up a pile of equally large books and slamming them on Clouds head. "Now you can't just look like a lady, you need to walk like one as well, Miss Cloudette. Ready?" she then proceeds to push Cloud, who is holding his head in pain, into the middle of the room.

"Is this really necessary?"

"YES!" Cloud whimpers and tries to get further away from them causing the books to tumble off his head and onto his bare feet. "Ouch," he says through gritted teeth while shooting a sniggering Barrett a death glare.

* * *

10 hours and six rolls of bandages later.

Cloud is now walking with the books perfectly balanced on his head. "Look I did it," he says beaming. Aeris and Tifa clap, Barrett is snoring on the bed in the corner. Tifa kicks him in the side, he shoots upright, "AHHHH I mean ahh $£54$£ lovely," he recovers, clapping half heartedly.

* * *

Later that morning, the gang are in the tavern.

"Now for your flirting skills." Crooned Tifa, while leering at the men sat at the bar.

"B…But I've never flirted in my life let alone with a guy," stuttered Cloud, trying to hide behind Barrett.

"There's a first time for everything," Aeris whispered slyly, "it'll help with a certain someone." She yanks Cloud from behind Barrett and pushes him in the direction of the bar.

Cloud glares back at her and proceeds to stomp very unlady like to the bar, taking a seat. A greying old man with half his teeth missing sidles up to Cloud and puts the hand that's not holding his walking stick on Cloud's knee.

"How 'bout a drink sweetcheeks?"

* * *

Meanwhile the others have got bored and are waiting for Cloud outside. There's a loud commotion inside the tavern and Cloud comes storming out, as the door shuts behindhim the old man can be seen flat on the deck with what was left of his teeth on the floor around him.

They stare at Cloud in disbelief, "HE CALLED ME SWEETCHEEKS!" Is all they get before he rushes past them. They sweatdrop and Barrett stares angrily at the closed tavern door.

* * *

"Now this time no assaulting little old men." Lectures Tifa, "if they try anything just slap them" after thinking for a second she adds, "GENTALLY".

Cloud pouts and walks into the next tavern, looking around for a target, he spots a slender dark haired man sitting at the bar, he sidles up him swinging his hips, leans on his shoulder and breathes in his ear, "Buy me a drink hotstuff?"

"Sorry miss…." starts the man while turning in his seat to face Cloud, "CLOUD?"

"V..Vincent?" Stutters a horrified looking Cloud, "and Cid", Cid having spat out the beer he was drinking onto the barmaid he was flirting with at the sight of Cloud in make up, "and Nanaki….So…um….you gonna buy me that drink?" Trying to act casual.

"Cloud is it me or are you wearing a dress…..and could you remove yourself from my shoulder?" Cloud jumps back and in his hurry knocks the guy walking behind him causing him to drop his beer on his girlfriend's head.

"Oh sorry man!"

"Its alright sweetcheeks" Clouds eye twitches at this, "you can make it up to me", he continued, pinching Clouds ass (A/N: What about his girlfriend you ask? Well she was knocked out by the beer bottle).

"EEEEEKKKKK!" Screeched Cloud and slaps the guy around the face as hard as he can.

* * *

After getting kicked out of a tavern for the second time that night for disturbing the peace, Vincent and Co are looking worriedly at Cloud.

"Now Cloud," says Vincent soothingly, while taking his hand, "you know you can tell me anything, when did you start getting these…..urges?"

"I didn't want to dress like this," Cloud shouts, yanking his hand back. "They made me!"

"Who's they? And are they speaking to you now?" Asks Vincent, looking ready to subdue Cloud if he starts to jump him again.

Cloud looks confused, "No they're still in the tavern…bastards drinking at a time like this!"

"Who?" Asks Vincent, still not getting it.

"Aeris and Tifa!"

"Ohhhhh"

Nanaki whispers to Cid, "I didn't know they were into that kind of thing."

Barrett stalks out of the tavern, "What the &$& made you do that!"

"He pinched my ass." Pouts Cloud.

Barrett's eye twitches, he storms into the tavern, gun shots and crashes can be heard and the guy that was talking to Cloud comes sailing out the window.

* * *

The gang stands outside the police station after bailing Barrett out.

"I hope you're happy now Barrett, that was all our money, I'll starve I tell you starve!" Complained Aeris, slapping him on the arm.

"Ow that sure showed $&& me" Barrett drones sarcastically.

Cid leers at Cloud and says "You could always rent out Miss Cloudette here", he then jumps back when Cloud lunges for him, everyone holds him back while he spits and foams at the mouth.

Suddenly everyone pauses, listens and start looking around, while the 'Turk' music starts playing in the background.

"I see you have a new member," comments the Turk leader Reno, "and a pretty one too." He finishes leering at Cloud's chest. Everyone is still holding Cloud by his dress.

"I'm glad you got rid of that spiky haired freak," he continues oblivious to the danger he's in, "he could have poked someone's eye out with that do."

"You bas..OW!" Cloud yelped when Aeris stepped on his foot. "I mean we should meet up sometime…um…cutie." He forces out through gritted teeth, while Barrett stand in the background fondling his gun arm.

"It's a date little Missy," Reno smirks, still leering, "how about you number gorgeous?"

Aeris hands him a business card reading "for a good time call 0800 sweetcheeks".

Reno takes it and winks at Cloud "Later doll" and walks out of the picture. The Turk music ends and everyone sighs in relief.

"Ow, that really hurt", moans Cloud hopping on one foot.

"CLOUD you ankles are showing, be a lady!" Shouts Aeris at the same time as Tifa yells "You nearly blew your cover you idiot!"

Cloud is still hopping on one foot, while blowing on the other, he bangs into Barrett.

"Be a &$&$ man…I mean woman," snaps Barrett and pushes Cloud away from him. Cloud lands on the floor, his dress riding up.

"My god you even got the underwear!" Cries Vincent in shocked horror.

"PERVERT!" Screams Cloud, struggling to his feet and pulling his skirt back down.

The sound of a loud slap causes birds to fly out of the trees in fright.

End of scene 2

No old men or random girlfriends were hurt during the writing of this fic.


	3. Chapter 3

**Undercover scene 3**

Back at the inn

After 2 hours of coaxing Cloud out of the bathroom, the gang are gathered in the main room, Cloud is sitting in the corner of the room glaring at the world in general, while muttering un-choice comments on Vincent's parentage.

"Well that went well don't you think?" said Aeris trying to sound upbeat and positive. Cloud redirects his glare to her, while everyone in the room looks at her in disbelieve.

"If ya class going out on a date with another dude let alone a dude ya don't even like then yeah it $£ ?# did." (A/N: I won't even tell you who said that). This comment causes Cloud to redirect his glare once again, "I CAN'T believe you just said that!"

Barrett shrugs and makes a noncommittal noise, "least its not $$"?+ me".

"Yeah coz then we would have to buy maternity wear," said Tifa snidely, while dodging a blow from the big man's gun arm.

"This muscle not fat you little (&£ wench!"

This continues for sometime while the others look on and sweatdrop, Cid and Vincent start betting on who will win. 3 seconds go by and Tifa is on the floor with a large bump on her head, Cid grins and holds out his hand out to Vincent expectantly.

Later that night

The inn is dark and deserted, nothing can be heard except the slight creak of a door being stealthily opened and mission impossible music. A black shape can be seen making it's way down the stairs, suddenly there is a bump and a thumping as the shape losses its balance and falls down the stairs, making soft pained noises as it lies motionless at the bottom. A light clicks on and the shape turns out to be a rather dishevelled looking Cloud. He looks up to see Barrett sitting next to the light switch.

"I thought ya would £&(()&)+ try this, lets go get a $£&(( drink."

Another tavern 

Cloud and Barrett are sitting at the bar; the smaller avalanche member has 10 empty pint glasses in front of him and is currently working on his 11th. Barrett is still on his first.

"Nervous are £&$ we?"

This comment causes Cloud to drop his face into the peanut bowl (that is also being used as an ash tray by other customers) and lets out a drunk groan of despair.

"You have no idea"

"At least you've had practise at this sort of thing," grins evilly "or did you think I didn't $& know?" grins gets more evil.

"What!? Who told you!?"

" &$& Tifa"

"I knew it! I told her not to tell anyone! She's just like she was when we were kids!"

"You dressed as a girl when you were $&&& kids too?"

"NO…..well yeah but only coz she dared me to."

"Then why are you so $ worried?"

"What if he wants to……….you know?"

Barrett gets an odd look on his face, "If he tries to even $&&().." he trails off, fuming and squeezes his pint glass so tight that it shatters.

Cloud looks touched, "T…that's sooo n…nice man…." He trails off as he slowly falls backwards off his chair and onto the floor.

Barrett stares at him for a second, sighs and reaches down to pick his unconscious friend up. "Man you need to go on a $£( diet" he grunts as he carries him out the tavern.

End of scene 3

A/N I'm sooo sorry about the wait but I'm lazy! Lou-Chan (co-writer) needs to shock me with a cattle prod to get me typing.


	4. Chapter 4

**Undercover scene 4**

Inn

Everyone was at the table eating breakfast when Cloud came stumbling down the stairs moaning holding his head.

"Uhh someone shoot me!"

He proceeded across the room and plonked down in the chair next to Barrett, resting his head on the muscled man's shoulder, still groaning. The females of the group looked accusingly at Barrett, who was trying not to look guilty.

"Do you have anything to do with this Barrett?" Asked Aeris icily.

"Would you $$")(((( believe me if I said I wasn't?" He asked hopefully.

Everyone shock their heads.

"Ok I $&()((&)() did." He said while hanging his head.

The phone starts ringing, everyone (but cloud who's still out of it) stares at the phone.

"We all here so whos that?" Asked Tifa, looking confused and counting the people round the table.

Everyone looks at here like shes an idiot (which she is), "Its probably Reno to arrange his date" Said Aeris, shacking her head at the other girl's stupidity.

"Oh"

Barrett stomps over to the still ringing phone, "What do you &(&)&£)) ? Want?"

Pause "No this isn't &$)((&)( Cloudette, hes…..shes powdering her $&$)P(& nose." Pause "Yes I'll &($") tell he" Slams down the phone and turns to see everyone staring at him in shock. "WHAT?! I was ((&)(&( polite, I didn't tell him to &£$ ?: off did I!" Everyone sweatdrops. "He says he'll meet Cloudette at 8.00 at the Gold &&$)( ? saucer."

There's a thump and everyone turns to find Cloud collapsed in a hungover heap on the floor under the table. Group sigh.

Several antidotes later

Aeris and Tifa are trying to drag Cloud into the bathroom to freshen up.

"Come on Cloudette lets transform you for your date."

Cloud hung onto the doorframe for dear life, until Vincent walks by and unpeels Cloud's fingers on the frame "Come on Cloudette you don't want to keep lover boy waiting do you".

Cloud growls and tries to bite the red cloaked man's fingers as he is pulled in to depth of the female territory. The door slams shut and noises are heard.

BANG "ACK! Don't touch that!"

TWANG "Stop wiggling Cloud you'll snap the clasp!"

SMACK "OW!! Don't bite!"

RIP "What are you gonna do with THAT!?"

The surviving males outside sweatdrop, Barrett looks rather worried until he puts his usual scowl on.

BANG! CRASH! "AH! That's unwanted physical contact!" SMACK "OW! Cloud! I'm trying to help you."

"That's the oldest excuse in the book" Muttered Vincent. The others nod in agreement.

1hour later

Everyone is asleep outside the bathroom door when Cloud comes stomping out and runs into his bedroom, slamming the door shut and locking it behind him.

Barrett knocks on the door "I'm not coming out" muffles Cloud from the inside, "Man! Why do these things always happen to me!?".

"Don't worry Cloudette we'll be hiding close by, keeping an eye on everything" cooed Aeris.

"Damn £$& :? Straight we will" Barrett mutters under his breath.

There's a groan from inside the bedroom.

Later outside the inn

"See you later guys," Said Cloud while walking by the group gathered by the door, dragging his motorbike with him, while trying not to get his dress caught in his wheels.

Vincent stares in disbelief at the bike, "What are you doing Cloud?"

Cloud looks at him and then at the bike before looking back at Vincent confused. "Going on my date like you know the plan?"

Vincent sighs, walks up to Cloud, "Not on your bike in that dress I hope".

"Yeah so."

Vincent stops next to him, "Cloud you've forced me to do something I really don't wanna do, now….GIVE ME THOSE KEYS!" He growled through gritted teeth, while trying to wrestle the keys out of Cloud's desperate grasp. A tug of war ensures.

5mins later 

"Have a nice time Cloudette and don't do anything I wouldn't do!" Called a very smug looking Vincent while waving Cloud off.

"Mumble mumble" Cloud grumbles very bad language under his breath as he starts off on his new pink sparkly bike (with matching basket) "I'll get you for this Vincent, you just see if I don't".


End file.
